Saturday, November 28, 2020

Starting from Scratch

 There comes a time in everyone's life that they have to strip the psyche down to the bones and figure out who they are and what they want.  It seems like life grabs us up right out of high school and takes off running.  In our 20s we are doing everything to catch up, figure out what we want to do with out lives, have fun with our friends and basically set the foundation for our future.

By our 30s most of us are most settled, in the prime of our family and/or careers.  Amidst the chaos most of us stop taking care of us and put all we have into work, kids, spouse, family, friends and day to day life.  Then somewhere in there, something happens that makes us stop and recalculate.

Sometimes it's a health scare; death of someone we are close to; divorce; termination of employment or one of any other life altering events.  Suddenly life isn't what we thought and had grown comfortable with and it sends us reeling.  So let me ask - how is your inner child?

The series of events that forced me to stop, look and figure out who I am actually started in 2017.  Although not the first time, my then husband cheated on me and asked for a divorce.  I did everything I could to "make him" see that he should be with me.  One day I was super sweet; the next cold and bitter.  Before the entire situation could play out, my mother in law passed away while living with us.  My husband found her and it completely consumed him.  I think more because it was easier at the time, we stayed together and tried to work things out.  All seemed to be going well.  We bought a house in 2018.  It was barely a month later, I found out a about "her"; the newest in a line of mistresses.  Only this time, I couldn't overlook it and move on.  

I was beyond devastated.  The first three days I didn't sleep and had to take myself to the hospital because no matter what I couldn't sleep.  I was having vertigo and panic attacks despite taking meds for them.  By September of that year, we were divorced.  

I had no intention of getting involved with anyone.  My son was almost 16 and all I wanted to do was heal my heart and finish raising my son.  Instead I re-connected with the first boy I had kissed when I was 10 years old.  We started out talking and since we'd both only been married once and both cheated on, we agreed we did not want to get married. Fortunately or unfortunately, we became close - best friends, companions, lovers.   But barely two years later, he passed suddenly of heart failure.  He was only 3 days away from his 52nd birthday.  Taken too soon. And suddenly my world was upside down again.

That was almost 3 months ago and it dawned on me that this was the FIRST time in my life I was just with me - my mother had controlled my life up to and after I met my husband; when I finally broke free of that toxic relationship, my husband basically took her place.  And though Jim, my boyfriend, didn't try to control me - it was his total acceptance, unconditional love and time that finally woke me up to the fact that I had no idea who I was or what I wanted.  I had known what I didn't want when I married my husband....he seemed to fit that bill.  NOW I knew what I wanted because of Jim but I knew if I didn't break the toxic cycle, I was doomed to repeat it.

So now, I'm starting from scratch and the series of blogs will involve self-discovery, love and growth.